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This has been the hardest month of my life.  My ex and I got back together, but it wasn't the same as before. Too much leftover hurt, resentment. We thought we could do it, we thought the love would pull us through. We were wrong.

Now the hard part, being friends again. We have a million mutual friends, and it's awkward for them. But not horrible. Well, things have gotten worse lately, and we have to take it one day at a time right now.

The other big problem. There is this guy, who we will call D. I have had a think for him for as long as I can remember. We always flirted, but he was always way out of my league. Gorgeous, athletic, smart, funny, sweet, popular, smooth chocolate colored skin, all around, hot guy. We were friends for years, through mulitple boyfriends of mine, and girlfriends of his. We got closer over the years, and really close when things with my ex started falling apart the first time, ages ago. Last year, my ex and I totally ended it, and D was there for me, though my ex had called him, and told him all kinds of lies about me. He was still there for me. Always the good friend. We started talking more, and hanging out more, and eventually, a kiss happened. I was SO shocked. I had always thought that the flirting was in jest, to make me smile, and feel pretty. But he kissed me. And I melted. After that, it didn't take long for it to elevate to sleeping together. It was good, the sex was, that is. The relationship left a lot to be desired. He only called late at night, when he got off work, when he wanted sex. It destroyed me, tore down my self esteem, and made me feel used.

Then I started talking to a guy that seemed to want to be with me, and not have to hide me.......so D and I broke off our "relationship".

Recently, this year, when my ex and I tried again (as mentioned at the beginning of this entry), and fell apart, once again, D was there to help me, be a good friend, and make me feel pretty again. I tried to be strong, not give in, because I didn't want to be his dirty little secret again. And I told him that. He said he was going to make it different this time. And for a while, he did seem to make an effort. Told me he loved me, and that I was special, and that he wanted to make me his girlfriend. But even saying that, he still treated me like a secret. Never told anyone. Held my hand in public, but only around certain crowds. Talked about me, but only to certain people. I felt like whatever we had was a sham. Then he disappeared......again....for days on end. Ignored my phone calls, and texts. Continued to update his Myspace, Facebook, and Twitter, but couldn't be bothered to talk to me at all, and let me know any of what was going on. Then he showed up, out of nowhere, telling me his missed me, and things would change. Hurt and jaded, i stupidly trusted him.

I got my hopes up. I wanted it to work so bad. I really thought it would be different. But it wasn't. This time has been filled with shadiness, secrets, late night hookups, and random texts from other girls. Friends who were more important. Part of me loves and misses him......the other part of me feels like I never really knew him. I don't think he lied to me, so much as not telling me things that people share in relationships.

I can't go back to him again. I can't let my walls down anymore. I love so many things about him, then things i know about him, that is. I will always love that part of him that would stay up late at night talking about our families, telling childhood stories, joking, laughing, just being us. But the part of him that kept the secrets will always be in my mind, and my heart, and I can't allow myself to be hurt anymore.

I deserve better than that.

D, if you are reading this, you destroyed me. I let you get closer to me than I ever thought I would, closer than most guys. I won't forget you as quickly as you seem to have forgotten me.  Katt Williams, and Jay - Z will always make me think of you. Every time I'm awake, and the sun breaks through my window, I'll think of you. Jeeps, Rugby, ESPN, Gatorade.....so many things will make my heart sink every time.  I love you, what I knew of you, and I hope you know, I always will. I thought you loved me, but part of me wonders if you even knew how.

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Comments

( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
foxy11814
Jun. 26th, 2009 02:00 am (UTC)
It's been a while since you updated, and I sure do wish it was under better circumstances. I'm so sorry to hear about your misfortunes in the love department. I must say, though, as an old friend of yours, though we don't hang out, anymore, I know, as well as you do, that you deserve better. You're right, you can't let your defenses down and let any of these guys who keep popping back into your life after they've hurt you in again.

*hugs*
aphelion_rain
Jun. 26th, 2009 07:08 am (UTC)
good to hear from you again, but not necessarily under these circumstances. I completely understand though. You're relationship w/ "D" sounds just like my relationship w/ my "best friend P."

Sometimes he was wonderful and there for me and sometimes when I felt I need him most he wasn't there...but the thing that bothered me the most was when we were "together." I thought we had a great relationship and we started sleeping together, only problem was that he would only sleep with me when he was drinking.

I quit sleeping with him, but he still manages to stomp on my heart...
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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